Mother's Day and More

This sucks. Mother's day sucks. I don't know why, it just does. It's not that I am not grateful for my living children because I am. I really honestly, truly, pinky swear that I am. I love them more than life. It is just that a piece of me is missing. And it will always be missing. You should be 11. You should be in the 5th grade. When I pour hours into volunteering at the school, I should catch a glimpse of your face every now and then in the hall as the 5th graders shuffle past. But I don't. And I never will. And people will always look at me and wonder why I am not "over it" yet. Why I still feel the sting. There are very few people that really understand. There are very few times when I will willingly admit that I put off the grief process for many years. I went over it, under it, around it, but never through it. Because, let's be honest, that wasn't any fun. In fact, it down right sucked. Like worse than this (or any other) holiday. I don't know where I am at on this journey. I'm lost. This whole feeling it thing is.....is......I don't know. There was a reason I didn't allow myself to "feel" any of it for so long. Maybe I'm not as strong as I want to think I am. Maybe I am just as lost as the next person.....