Here we go..........

So, I created this blog to share Chloe's story. I get asked about her all the time and being the woman that I am, I have a very hard time just summing it up. I want to give you every last detail. Problem is I have trouble remembering every last detail. I have been telling myself for the last 10 years that I was going to sit down and write this story before the details slipped away. I never did it and now I fear that some things will never be remembered. It makes me terribly sad. But in order to write this....to take you on this journey through her life...I am going to have to dig. Dig through my memories.....dig through her baby book and calendar.....dig through her box of belongings that I packed away into storage bins shortly after she died. They are very rarely opened. When they are it is like having the wind knocked out of you every single time. But I want to do it. I am ready to do it. I think. It's not going to be easy for me. And I will probably be taking it slow. Writing in segments.

I wrote the top part, saved the draft, then went and started pulling stuff out of her boxes. Stuff that hasn't been touched in years. It was brutal. I have her baby blankets, covered in blood, laying on my bed. 

(You can't see the smaller spatters but you can see one of the bigger spots. This was a very special blanket.)

I have her books, keepsake boxes, calendars, and funeral book all sitting on the couch waiting for me to open them. I went to check my facebook and text one of my besties instead. I am very open with her about the torment of it all. She said maybe I should just put it up. But I can't. Not anymore. I have been putting it up for 10 years. So now I just keep glancing over there, seeing that little stack, knowing they are waiting for me. I know this is going to be part of the journey. So much has slipped away. It's been 10 years. It is time to write it down. 

I will read and I will write as the memories come flooding back. But when things get to be intense, or I feel as though I need a breather, I will write about my living kids and what life is like now. I won't divulge too much though. My husband hates the idea of blogging. He is a very private person and feels that in today's society nothing is held sacred or kept private. I know that every key stroke is recorded. That once I post this, it will forever be out there floating in cyber space. So I will not air dirty laundry. I will, however, discuss topics like step-parenting and blending families because I am currently fresh into it and would love your feedback! 

So.....I am headed to read the books. Here we go..........